The Legend of Derek Klapton

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The Legend of Derek Klapton

Holden Carter, writer

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Once upon a time there lived an Englishman named Derek Klapton. He was a wealthy man, as his family was related to royalty. He had many interests, such as sports and history, but the thing he loved most was music. Music was important to him, more specifically rock and roll. He wanted to be like the rock bands he read about, such as The Tumbling Rocks, The Whom, and The Grasshoppers. He especially loved The Grasshoppers and their album Sergeant Salt.

He was going to have a difficult journey, as he was incredibly tone deaf. He ignored his problem and went to work on his musical career. First, he needed a guitar. Not knowing where to purchase a guitar, he decided to make one, believing he could make a fine six-string. He decided to make a guitar out of cardboard and rubber bands. He was hesitant about using his cardboard box, as he was currently using it as a fort. He told himself he could buy all the cardboard boxes in the world once he was famous.

He had heard about rock stars getting a lot of girls. The problem with this was that he would become really nervous around girls and would often wet himself. He decided he needed a girl, so he invited the one girl he could talk to: his mother. His mother was almost 95 years old, and even though she could barely hear, her son’s guitar playing gave her a headache. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, she clapped for him every time he practiced.

He needed a vehicle; since he didn’t have a license, he decided to ride his bike looking for places to play his music. He saw two men fighting on the side of the road, so he decided to stop, believing that his music would calm the men down and would end their violence. He began to play. His plan worked, as they decided that Derek’s music was worthy of a beating. With a bloody nose and a black eye, he walked to town. He was walking, of course, because the men stole his brand new Huffy bike.

He finally arrived to the town and looked for places to play his musical melodies. He saw a pub and decided this should be the first stop for his world tour. He called his mother and gave directions to the pub. She finally arrived, and Derek entered the pub through the window. The pub was closed, but in the books he read they never really clarified if the establishments where bands played were open. He stepped onto the stage and began to play. Three seconds into his set, he was booed off the stage. His mother had finally had enough of his music. This frustrated Derek, but he convinced himself it was a rough crowd and his music wasn’t the problem. “It was at a pub,” he told himself. “The crowd had probably drunk too much.”

The next morning he woke up and decided to perform again, this time at a place that was alcohol-free. He walked into the local daycare, went into the first classroom he saw, and began to play. The teacher screamed. Derek had read about rock stars making girls scream, so he continued to play. Then a group of teachers and a police officer walked in.

“The police officer must be here to control my female fans,” he thought. So like he had read, he ran away from the screaming girls. He later received a restraining order from the daycare. Derek was convinced the meaning of this was that music made the women go crazy, so it would be distracting to the children.

His first show was a success. Like many rock stars before him, fame proved too much for him. He started going to the pharmacy and getting flu shots five times a day. Smarties wrappers were all over his bedroom, as smoking smarties had become a habit. This had been a long and stressful week for Derek.

Finally, he decided to end his music career. He just couldn’t handle the pressure of performing every day.

Derek is currently exploring the possibility of a reunion tour.

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