Coach Geisinger Proves To Be a Math Genius During Signing Assembly

Kellen Barham, writer

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Last week during the athletic signing Coach Geis proved to be a mathematical genius. During his speech about Jake Motz, he started rolling out the mathematical algorithms.

“There are eight million high school athletes, but only 6 percent of high school athletes play in college,” Coach Geis said. “All 6 percent come from JPII, but to get more detailed, it’s 6.34 percent exactly. Only 2 percent go to Division I schools; to put in perspective how small that percentage is, Nick Zanger’s missed field goal percentage is in that area. On top of that, Motz got into an Ivy League school with a 6.3333 percent acceptance rate.”  

Students were blown away by the Vanderbilt graduate’s  numerical ability.

“Getting deeper into this algorithm,” Geis continued, “To be a collegiate athlete, you need to eat 62 percent grilled chicken, 14 percent speedway subs, 8 percent body armor drink, 6 percent salad, 5 percent protein powder, and 5 percent protein powder.”

As the crowd applauded, anticipating the end of his speech, Geis continued display his knowledge of statistics.

“Another 68 percent is loving your brother, with 35 percent attention to detail, 28 percent no regrets and at least 4.2 percent pride,” he added. “The final piece is being 100 percent perfect on the field and off the field to equal one college athlete. This works 60 percent of the time, all the time.”

Everyone in the assembly’s jaws dropped at the end of the speech.

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