Teachers Find Cure To “Senioritis”

Jack Julow

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Ever since Mr. Deely reported that senioritis is at epidemic levels, the science teachers have been struggling to find a cure to this dastardly affliction. Students have been seen out of uniform and walking around drowsily with blankets. The teachers are unable to find a way to creatively combat this sudden disease. Symptoms have been seen in 87% of the Senior class population. Symptoms include: tardiness, increased Chick-fil-A consumption, decreased test scores and/or GPA, and a heightened immunity to following instructions.

Recently, Mrs. Dye and Mrs. Terrill developed a cure to the startling disease.

The cure consists of half a Red Bull, three shots of caffeine, a CRS, and seven liters of lard. The mixture is blessed by a priest. Coming in the form of a nasal mist, the cure is highly effective. So far, 80% of the Senior population has been cured.

Nurse Delmotte has been giving the nasal mist to any Senior who brings three dollars in. The incentive is that students will receive a dress down day … and a Klondike bar. The funds from the Senior donations will go to the Senioritis Foundation that aids at-risk youth by paying for their college applications, but only for the application. The Senioritis Foundation does not believe in the hoax that is financial aid.

Student morale has increased greatly since the cure has been found. Trash is nonexistent in the commons, and all of the lunch trays have been returned. Many teachers and students have much to say in reaction to the healing of the student life.

Mrs. Gibbs commented, “I have not seen any Senior class uniform violations, except those students who refuse to take the cure. I just play “Fortnite” on my computer during the day now.”

Caeley Murray, who had a small fit with the crippling disease, rejoiced to the Herald, “It was so scary before the cure, but everything is better now. It works!”

The Herald will continue to follow this recent development and be involved in seeing how the Senioritis cure will work in other schools outside of Pope.

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